My biggest struggle in motherhood, besides the ever present guilt, is this guilt about wanting certain things that do not involve my daughter.

I feel bad about it. And yet, I have also realised that it is important to have things that do not revolve around her.

I want to work. I want to do the things I used to do before I was pregnant.

Before motherhood, I did a few different jobs. I was a physiotherapist. I worked in events. And then when I got pregnant, all of that stopped. For some reason, people seemed to think I was no longer capable of doing these things.

That took a hit on my ego.

Because I was capable. I could do all of those things. And when the baby came along, I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back to those parts of my life. Those were the times when I felt at my best. I knew I could do a lot of different things.

Now, I am doing a completely new set of things. And that is not a bad thing either. I like to think that I am a good learner. I learn things very quickly. Becoming an English teacher was not something I ever imagined for myself, but here I am.

Still, it feels like a struggle.

Every day, I think about the life I had before. And while I am thinking about it, I feel really bad. I tell myself it is not fair to her. I wanted her. I chose to bring her into this world. And yet sometimes I feel like because of her, I cannot do certain things.

Then I wonder if other people feel this way too.

Because everyone else seems to have it together. Everyone looks like they are managing just fine. Maybe not everyone, but that is what social media shows us. You see what people choose to show, and you assume they have it all figured out.

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I think the main thing that has changed is that I was quite a people pleaser. But I think it is none of that anymore. I have no intention to please anyone anymore, because the goal for me back then, for most days of my life, was to just make everybody happy.

I do not need to settle. I do not need to put up with other people’s nonsense, because it does not make them happy.

Now, especially that I am a mother, I realise the need to please other people becomes a bit more obvious, because there is family or friends who demand so much from you. This is on top of this child you brought into the world and the lifestyle that you have.

But then I realised that sometimes it is just about what I need, what she needs, and what my family needs. This family I worked so hard to build. This family I wanted for so long. That is all.

So if they cannot jive with it, then it is okay. You can carry on and I will carry on, and we can all live our lives.

Somehow, as a mother, everybody expects you to bring your child everywhere, like parade her and be like, “Oh look look look look.”

I do not want to parade my child. I just want her to sleep, eat, be happy, and be comfortable. I do not need to focus on how you want her to be a certain way, or that I have to present her to be a certain way.

I think that was my biggest weakness. I was a major people pleaser. And I think it is because of my jobs, because I work in the service industry, so I am always out to please other people. But being a mom now, I do not want to. I cannot even find it in me to want to please anyone anymore, because it is so tiring, and I have to attend to everybody’s demands. And it is not like they want to attend to my demands.

If it is not important, if it is not necessary, and if it does not serve anybody in a positive way, then what is the point?

You nak jaga hati orang, ada orang nak tak jaga hati you? So that is that.

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Every so often, a story lands in our inbox that feels honest in a way only motherhood can be. Not every story reflects every mom’s experience, but we believe in sharing them as they are.

I woke up today feeling supremely tired and crampy, and as I rolled over, my first instinct was to check the menstruation calendar. “Your period is due today,” it says. And lo and behold, there it was.

I don’t know what it is about post-pregnancy periods. It’s been three years since I’ve had my daughter, and somehow my period cramps and PMSes have become more intense. The hopeful part of me thought I could have a lie-in, but the upstairs neighbour is having his five-month proper renovation, so I knew that the sound of drilling and hacking was going to amplify a crappy feeling, and I just knew I needed to get out of the house.

But to be honest, there was nothing wrong with today at all. In fact, it was slow and yet productive. I got to spend it quietly as my daughter had a nap in the stroller for two hours, and I just proceeded to work on my laptop. But as it got later in the day, I could feel the cramps draining the energy out of me. My watch says, “You are stressed, and your body battery has been deducted by -7.” Yes, watch, I am having cramps, but that’s when I started to notice how short I was becoming.

I could feel the build-up of anger and my body heating up. My phone kept pinging because of work, and my daughter, who was initially quietly eating her food, noticed that I had been on my phone for too long and decided to climb on me and ask, “What’s that? What’s this? What’s that?” And then I snapped.

SIT DOWN.

That look on her face. Her eyes widened. She slowly backed away and sat down. And the stares from people, knowing that she absolutely, a thousand percent, did not deserve that. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. And you could see that she felt like the tiniest person in the world. My heart broke, and then she cried.

I won’t go into further detail about what happened next, apart from the fact that I apologised profusely for snapping at her. But she just looked at me like, That was really mean, Mama. I felt so bad. I still feel bad thinking about it. And I can’t stop asking myself why I did it. How did it get to that?

Was it the PMS? Was it just me being completely unable to process and regulate my emotions that I would lash out at a three-year-old? I’m not sure why I’m sharing this right now. I’m not looking for any validation at this point, or even answers for that matter. I just feel like I am a terrible mother at the moment—specifically for doing what I did.

You know, it’s funny. If a mom were to tell me the exact same thing, I’d say, “Babe, you’re not a terrible mother.” But I think on top of that, now I would probably start off with, “OOF, babe, I know how that feels.” I know that feeling of having done something like this and the guilt. You’re not going to forget it. Even if you do, it comes back sometimes, and that little feeling of guilt returns. But you’re not a terrible mother. You’re just doing your best.

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