I'm Such An A-hole: Today I Lost My Sh*t At My Kid For No Reason

I hate these kinds of days.

Editor’s Note:

Every so often, a story lands in our inbox that feels honest in a way only motherhood can be. Not every story reflects every mom’s experience, but we believe in sharing them as they are.

I woke up today feeling supremely tired and crampy, and as I rolled over, my first instinct was to check the menstruation calendar. “Your period is due today,” it says. And lo and behold, there it was.

I don’t know what it is about post-pregnancy periods. It’s been three years since I’ve had my daughter, and somehow my period cramps and PMSes have become more intense. The hopeful part of me thought I could have a lie-in, but the upstairs neighbour is having his five-month proper renovation, so I knew that the sound of drilling and hacking was going to amplify a crappy feeling, and I just knew I needed to get out of the house.

But to be honest, there was nothing wrong with today at all. In fact, it was slow and yet productive. I got to spend it quietly as my daughter had a nap in the stroller for two hours, and I just proceeded to work on my laptop. But as it got later in the day, I could feel the cramps draining the energy out of me. My watch says, “You are stressed, and your body battery has been deducted by -7.” Yes, watch, I am having cramps, but that’s when I started to notice how short I was becoming.

I could feel the build-up of anger and my body heating up. My phone kept pinging because of work, and my daughter, who was initially quietly eating her food, noticed that I had been on my phone for too long and decided to climb on me and ask, “What’s that? What’s this? What’s that?” And then I snapped.

SIT DOWN.

That look on her face. Her eyes widened. She slowly backed away and sat down. And the stares from people, knowing that she absolutely, a thousand percent, did not deserve that. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. And you could see that she felt like the tiniest person in the world. My heart broke, and then she cried.

I won’t go into further detail about what happened next, apart from the fact that I apologised profusely for snapping at her. But she just looked at me like, That was really mean, Mama. I felt so bad. I still feel bad thinking about it. And I can’t stop asking myself why I did it. How did it get to that?

Was it the PMS? Was it just me being completely unable to process and regulate my emotions that I would lash out at a three-year-old? I’m not sure why I’m sharing this right now. I’m not looking for any validation at this point, or even answers for that matter. I just feel like I am a terrible mother at the moment—specifically for doing what I did.

You know, it’s funny. If a mom were to tell me the exact same thing, I’d say, “Babe, you’re not a terrible mother.” But I think on top of that, now I would probably start off with, “OOF, babe, I know how that feels.” I know that feeling of having done something like this and the guilt. You’re not going to forget it. Even if you do, it comes back sometimes, and that little feeling of guilt returns. But you’re not a terrible mother. You’re just doing your best.

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