Reliving Girlhood: An Essential to Thriving as a Mother

It is said that most female friendships exist in threes...

Editor’s Note:
We are so happy to welcome Sheril A. Bustaman as a contributing writer to Mama’s Here. In this piece, she writes about friendship and the magic of being seen by people who knew you before the motherhood era, and stayed for the journey. This is an In-Between story; a space between who we were, who we are, and who we are allowed to be when the right people are in the room.

It is said that most female friendships exist in threes. I am fortunate enough to be a part of three such trios. One of these trios contains my absolutely closest friend whom I’ve known since we were 16 years old and a friend that I made in my foundation year of university when I was only 18 years old. The former is my children’s godmother, whom I see on a fairly regular basis, who is a permanent fixture in my life, so much so that people would ask questions if they see her absent at any of my life events. The latter lives on the other side of the Klang Valley, has obligations to her mother, and I only see her four times a year (if I am lucky).

On the rare occasion when the stars align & this particular trio convenes, something magical happens. As a mother of three (14, 10 and 6 year olds), a wife, a producer, a project manager and friend to other people, my day-to-day tends to look insane with a flurry of to-dos with meetings and errands sprinkled in. However, when I step into a room to meet these two women I have known half of my life, something shifts. The weight of my responsibilities melt away, drowned out by the sounds of their laughter, and for just a few moments, a version of me long dormant awakens and I am allowed to just be a girl.

Having the wisdom of a woman in her thirties but being in the company of your friends who awaken your inner girl is a special thing. You can empathise with each other’s adult problems and not sweat the small stuff (like when your friend is three hours late because she is finishing up meetings even though she’s taken half the day off) but have just the right amount of carefree attitude to stay up way past your usual bedtime whilst on staycation to watch Chad Michael Murray’s smoulder on-screen and shout about it.

You exist in a sacred space where the people around you are focused only on you and nothing else matters. You can say whatever you want knowing that nothing you say will be misinterpreted or wrong, because these people have known you since before you knew how to express things properly, so when they say “I know what you mean”, they really do know, because they know you. You will listen and hang onto their every word because you know the advice they are giving you is not just on the surface, but comes from layers of depth with deep analysis, because they know your history and your character evolution so well.

A tribe of females like that is hard to come by, because not all friends will make it past every stage of life. Some people are site-specific, that fall away after you no longer exist within the same ecosystem. Others get left behind, choosing not to evolve together or at all. Some may become different people, leaving you behind because your ideals no longer fit each other. So friends who survive several different stages of life are a niche collector’s item that I am very fortunate to have.

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It is painful growing apart from friends you once thought would be with you for many years. However, the growing pain of outgrowing friendships that no longer serve you is one that is necessary in order to move forward. I often reminisce simpler times with people who are no longer in my life, and sometimes stumble upon things that make me want to reconnect, knowing however that the girl I once loved & adored is no longer the same woman that exists now. Which is why the trio friendships that I do have now are so much more important to me.

Sometimes, I get swept up in the daily ins and outs of motherhood and forget to empathise with my children and what they’re going through individually. What I as a 34-year old woman think is silly or irrelevant is currently their entire world, and it’s easy to forget that as adults. The all-consuming way of life that exists only in your teens, where everything is do or die. The way the world is so small yet all the stakes seem so high, that any incident could be a make or break situation. We adults brush all this off because we have forgotten what it was like.

In the limited hours that I spend in this particular trio, I often look at these two women and reflect on how far we’ve come and the things we have gotten each other through (them for me mostly). I am brought back to when my children’s godmother was just my bestest friend, who took a bus from her university and then walked along a highway to get to my house. To when my friend from university would saunter into my dorm room on a Sunday night to eat snacks my mother had packed for me. To when very little mattered to us but each other and the menial small responsibilities we had.

And with all that girlhood energy, I return to my family with a renewed sense of empathy and understanding, particularly for my 14-year old daughter, who is going through girlhood herself. It reminds me of what it was like to be young which in turn reminds me to be cautious of dismissing my teenager’s interests and desires because they are unrelatable. It reminds me to be quietly supportive of her tumultuous emotions and not to take it personally.

It is easy to get overwhelmed as a parent and as a woman. Time with old friends offer a small reprieve from the world, and helps me recenter and refocus. The ease of which we melt into each other’s conversation and crack new jokes make it seem like maybe - just maybe - life doesn’t have to be so hard, because after all, at the end of the day, we’re all just girls.