The Guilt of Wanting More
Is it really so bad to want things for myself that aren’t about my child?
Editor’s Note
This piece is part of Real Mom Realities, a series that shares honest, anonymous reflections from mothers. Everyone’s experience of motherhood looks different. What connects us is not having it all figured out, but trying to make sense of who we are becoming.
My biggest struggle in motherhood, besides the ever present guilt, is this guilt about wanting certain things that do not involve my daughter.
I feel bad about it. And yet, I have also realised that it is important to have things that do not revolve around her.
I want to work. I want to do the things I used to do before I was pregnant.
Before motherhood, I did a few different jobs. I was a physiotherapist. I worked in events. And then when I got pregnant, all of that stopped. For some reason, people seemed to think I was no longer capable of doing these things.
That took a hit on my ego.
Because I was capable. I could do all of those things. And when the baby came along, I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back to those parts of my life. Those were the times when I felt at my best. I knew I could do a lot of different things.
Now, I am doing a completely new set of things. And that is not a bad thing either. I like to think that I am a good learner. I learn things very quickly. Becoming an English teacher was not something I ever imagined for myself, but here I am.
Still, it feels like a struggle.
Every day, I think about the life I had before. And while I am thinking about it, I feel really bad. I tell myself it is not fair to her. I wanted her. I chose to bring her into this world. And yet sometimes I feel like because of her, I cannot do certain things.
Then I wonder if other people feel this way too.
Because everyone else seems to have it together. Everyone looks like they are managing just fine. Maybe not everyone, but that is what social media shows us. You see what people choose to show, and you assume they have it all figured out.
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